


The Button

by TheAndorianMiningConsortium



Category: Red Dwarf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 18:56:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1698983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAndorianMiningConsortium/pseuds/TheAndorianMiningConsortium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Comedy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Button

Up in the drive room, Arnold Rimmer sat, one finger pressed thoughtfully to a cheek as he examined the readings on the computer console before him. Across the other side of the room lounged his companion, Dave Lister, perpetual gimboid and incessant slob, feet on a console and packet of Doritoes in hand. Having ordered Lister to the drive room to ‘help’ with the problem, Rimmer was now beginning to regret this, as the layabout now settled himself lazily in his chair. For the present, the sound of crunching Doritoes was the only sound that emerged from him.

Chomp crunch chomp crunch chomp chomp crunch crunch chomp

Doing his best to ignore the irritating sound, despite the fact that it seemed to twist right in through his holographic earholes and bore directly into his isomorphic brain, Rimmer narrowed his eyes and glared at the figures displayed on the computer screen before him.

 

X1X1X112710XE5://0000

He knew, of course, exactly what these numbers meant. Yes indeed, for whilst he may not have been an officer in the official sense of the word, he was certainly well versed in all subjects relating to the navigation of a space ship such as Red Dwarf. 

He blinked twice, and stared at the figures intently, as though willing them to rearrange themselves into some kind of coherent message.

"Well?" prompted Lister through a mouthful of crisps. "What’s it mean?"

Raising his eyes from the console, Rimmer glanced from the console to Lister and back again. “I don’t know!” he replied sharply, his tone defensive. “It’s nonsense. Complete and utter gibberish.”

"I thought you was s’posed to be an expert in these sortsa things," Lister crunched at him. Crumbs sprayed out across his shirt as he spoke. How repellent. “‘Gimme any piece of computer code and I can decipher it faster than Wile E Coyote on steroids.’ That’s what you said." He pointed an accusatory finger at the hologram, orange with Dorito residue.

Rimmer waved a dismissive hand at the machine. “I- it must be broken,” he replied.

"Broken?" Lister baited. "You said these machines were the finest example of modern technology.”

"Yes," spluttered Rimmer, "Well. This one’s obviously a dud, isn’t it?"

Sighing and rolling his eyes, Lister turned his attention back to his crisps. “If we can get Holly back online, maybes we can find out.”

Good god he was disgusting. Crunching away in a cesspit of crumbs in the corner, it was almost as though the stinking scouse existed only for the purpose of pissing him off.

Rimmer raised a finger and wagged it warningly. “I’ll handle this, Lister. We don’t need that souped up filofax for a job like this. Now…” Turning back to the screen, he paused, considering carefully.

"What’s it say anyway?" Lister leaned over to take a look.

"Nothing that you would understand, Lister. Leave this to the professionals. This kind of thing is above people like you.” The finger wagging intensified.

"People like me? Oh, aye, what’s that supposed to mean?"

"Pfft. Lister, you couldn’t even count to ten if you used both of your hands,” the hologram scoffed.

"Maybe it’s a computer virus?" Lister offered. "Hey," a flash of glee slunk onto his face. "What happens if we press that big red button?"

"Don’t," Rimmer replied sternly.

"Why not? What’s the worst that can happen?"

"We don’t know what it does!" Rimmer flared his nostrils at him. "It could… it could make the ship explode into thousands of pieces. Your intestines would be scattered for miles around like the innards of a pinyata…"

Before he could get any further, lo and behold, Lister had leaned forwards and pressed the button. A sick feeling of dread rose in the hologram as that stubby finger made contact and pushed it down. Smirking, Lister looked up, meeting Rimmer’s eyes with a cheekily defiant grin, like a child that was pushing its luck, knew it, and didn’t care.

"What did you do that for? I just told you—”

"Relax! Nothin’ happened," Lister shrugged. "See? No explosions. Nothin' to worry about.”

"We don’t know that! Lister, that button could have done anything. Don’t mess with things when you don’t know what they do.”

"Hey!" Lister chortled, gazing at the screen in surprise. "Look! There’s somethin’ new written there now."

Rimmer followed his gaze, and sure enough, beneath the code lay a string of letters. It took the hologram a moment or two to realise that these were in fact words. Leaning closer and examining them carefully, he read them out loud.

"Failed to load… reboot holographic matrix from main source."

"Reboot holographic matrix?" Lister sniggered. "Hey, there’s somethin’ wrong with you.” He pointed at Rimmer. “That’s what this is all about. You must be a drain on the ship’s power.”

Stuttering with fury, Rimmer found himself speechless for a few seconds.

“That must be why the electrics went off the other day,” Lister offered. “Holly said we were low on power, didn’t he? We need to refuel. The ship can’t sustain a hologram anymore.”

Rimmer didn’t like where this was going, and made this clear by way of the scowl that now edged its way onto his face and slowly intensified, eyes widening and features contorting. “That’s not what it means at all. Lister, leave this to—-“

Suddenly the console bleeped, the screen flashed and went blank, cutting him off mid-sentence. Transferring his attention back to the machine, Rimmer tried, and failed, not to appear worried as slowly and one by one, a new string of letters popped up.

"Override safety protocols," Lister read out loud from the screen. "Press main button to activate holographic matrix shut down!" He wasn’t even bothering to hide his glee, and was dangerously close to raucous laughter now.

“Don’t press it!” Rimmer snapped. 

"Why not? This’ll fix aaaall the electrical problems we’ve been havin’ all over the ship, and bring back Holly.”

"Th- the machine is faulty! We need to do a second analysis on a different machine…"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" a familiar wordless cry resounded through the air, announcing the presence of the third member of Red Dwarf’s crew as he spun like an oversized ballerina into the drive room. All flashy bright colours and high pitched, senseless shrieking, the Cat’s existence alone was enough to make Rimmer flinch.

"Heyyy, yeah!" announced the Cat, sweeping past them both to make his flamboyant way across the room. "I’m lookin’ good, I’m feelin’ good, now I’m ready for some lunch! Where’s the food?"

"This is the drive room," Rimmer replied. Deadpan as fuck.

"Hey," the Cat shot back, "that don’t mean we can’t get no waiter up here for some first class service! Oowowwwwwwwww! Yeah!" and off he spun across the drive room, pausing only to high-five Lister before continuing in his search of a meal.

"Get lost you stupid deranged inbred moggie," Rimmer ordered, as sternly as he could. He was bristling with annoyance and barely contained anger, his face reddened and his limbs tensed. He looked as though he could explode at any moment. "In case you can’t see," he snapped, "we are working here. This is a pet-free zone so, shoo!" He made a dismissive shooing motion with both hands.

Coming out of his spin, Cat leaned casually upon the console. “Hey. Is this the food dispenser?” Swooping down, he jabbed a finger at the button on the machine, the motion accompanied by a triumphant, joyous cry: “FISH!”

And with that, Rimmer faded and flickered, the shocked O shape of his gobsmacked open mouth remaining just a nanosecond longer than the rest of him, before the hologram disappeared out of existence completely.


End file.
